2019
Last year has been pretty tough for me. Toughest since 2013 I guess - but it's different as compared to previous ones since God has been using it to reveal a lot of things and bless me in ways that I didn't expect.
---
The year started with me going through a few medical examinations for a certain condition - MRI, hearing test, blood test then EMG. It spans across the first half of the year as the waiting time for each test was pretty long. The result was good - the doctor couldn't find anything wrong except that my blood CK level was high.
Yet, I was disappointed with the result. I wanted to know exactly what was wrong and expected the last test (EMG) to show some kinds of abnormalities since I was scheduled for it after the blood test.
The last consultation with the doctor who scheduled me for all these tests didn't help as well; as the doctor was baffled and all she could advice was to drink a lot of water and take the blood test again next year.
I was talking and complaining to a friend about this as well as the cost of those tests when he asked me:
'So do you prefer the test result to show something wrong instead?'
That changed my perspective. I knew, subconsciously, that if one of those tests had given bad results, I would have spent way more than what I did. But I wanted to know what's wrong so badly that I didn't take into account all the possible consequences should something go wrong.
Upon further reflection, it boils down to me wanting to have closure on my condition and know what are the next steps - as it gives me a sense of peace. I prefer to know things in advance - good or bad - so that I'm able to prepare for it mentally.
Makes sense, right? But this gave me more anxiety and worries instead of peace whenever I don't get enough control or information over my own life, which I believe there have been and there will many such occurrences in my life as well as everyone's lives.
It goes back to the point of relying on God - casting my burdens on Jesus and believing that God is sovereign. Only after I stopped insisting on knowing the details did I receive peace and assurance.
But the health scares didn't stop there. I found out that I had alpha thalassemia traits and my varicose veins worsened - which fall into the same category of not being serious but are incurable/hard to treat. There was little I could do to eradicate the problem and the tendency to feel that I was losing control of my life grew stronger in me.
Keeping these conditions in check, on the other hand, was doable. There are simple exercises and habits that I can develop - the only thing is that I have to do it again and again. I have to be disciplined. This is what makes things tough for me as I prefer to dedicate a specific amount of time and effort to deal with a problem and forget about it forever.
However, most problems in life don't fall in this one-off category. The human body requires constant physical and mental exercises to stay fit. Most people work for the majority of their lives to provide for themselves. And as believers, I and other Christians know that we have to go back to God again and again - not only for forgiveness when we sin but also for the daily fuel - the wisdom, strength, peace, and assurance to live another meaningful day.
It just amazes me how God uses these obstacles to build my faith and maturity by pointing out these thought patterns prevent me from growing. The challenges didn't stop there though - work and friendship were tough at the same time.
-------
The latter half of 2018 - which were also my first six months at work - was heavenly. I was given a small project, challenging enough to not make me bored and simple enough to not make me dread it. My team lead was a great guy - amazing technical skills, great character, and good leadership skills. He always sought ways to improve himself, spurred everyone in the team to self-learning and prepared us for greater responsibilities - through occasional personal feedback, knowledge sharing and technical workshops which he organized himself out of his own free time. My HOD was very experienced and patient - learnt quite a bit from him on communications and professionalism, especially when he was soft-spoken like me. Other people whom I worked within that small project were experienced as well. Basically, working was absolutely a breeze.
Then, people left. Many of them. My team lead, my HOD, the team lead and marketing manager I was working with for the first project. Plus one of my teammates, a friend in another department and a tester I worked frequently with - and these are just people I know. Not that there was something wrong with my company; the majority of those I mentioned stayed here for more than 5 years. Those who I managed to ask all mentioned personal reasons too.
I was doing my second project when this happened. I tried to rush the project before my team lead left but couldn’t finish it. Sad to see them leave, but it wouldn’t be a big deal if there are proper replacements in place. The following few months were chaotic as I needed to take on responsibilities that belonged to those who left. Dealing with vendors, liaising with customer support and taking care of settlement disputes alongside with the normal software development.
Was it tough? In hindsight, I would say it wasn't. I didn't have to deal with a lot of people since it was a small project, and in most cases I only had to deal with them on an ad-hoc basis. But I was uncomfortable with it - not because of the people I had to deal with (they had been nicer/more professional than me at times) or the nature of the work itself (I regard them as meaningful).
I was uncomfortable because it was not my job. I didn't think it's my responsibility to do these tasks since there are dedicated persons o do these tasks for other projects. And these tasks delayed the progress of other tasks I had as well - which were supposed to be more important.
Upon reflection, I knew this wasn't the right attitude. My role in the company is to deliver the technical product, and the technical product wouldn't serve its ultimate purpose of serving the clients if other roles/positions are unfulfilled.
Yet I still had this nagging thought that it was unfair. Why didn't other people in the same role take over their ex-colleagues' job? Why didn't other people in the chain do these? Why me?
There wasn't an answer to the fairness I demanded. But ultimately, I realized that this attitude prevented me from loving people, which was God's ultimate command. The only solution was to accept these as my responsibility and consider them to be of similar importance to do my best, which goes back to the point about the spirit of excellence.
Yes, it might set bad precedence as others might give me tasks that aren't within my job scope. But knowing that what I did have real impact did give me more fulfillment at the end of the day, and all these things don't matter much at the end of the day, especially with an eternal perspective in mind.
This experience with a small project really helped me to sustain myself through a much bigger project later on last year. My company had a data center migration that lasted from February to October, and I was the main person in my team who was in charge of it as my teammates were busy with other client-facing projects. There were frequent OT and working on weekends for the later months, a lot of planning, learning, and improvising when things didn't go as planned.
This led to many moments of frustration and wanting to give up as well as feeling lonely when I didn't get the help I badly needed. There were days when I couldn't stop using vulgarities; there were days when I became very unfriendly and others where my brain just switched off for the whole day in response to stress.
Though my responses were bad, at least I was able to see the meaning in what I was doing and could focus on the end goal. I get to face my panic + fears of uncertainties and saw how God delivered me from it; I get to see how God confronted my bitterness and anger when things didn't go my way. At the end of the project, I was fairly compensated with off days + bonus as well. Thank God for helping me to persevere and look at things in the long run :).
--------
Finally, there is friendship. There wasn't a big change in 2019, but I was still carrying the burden of 2018 over. My friendship with the closest friend I had in uni was strained and I knew it wouldn't reach the level it was before since we had to set boundaries. My friendships with the rest of friends in uni started to diminish as well - much fewer meetups and conversations when all of us started working.
All these weren't a very big problem in 2018 as my last uni LG was very caring and transitioning to work wasn't a big problem since it was so comfortable. But when I came to realize that people didn't ask me to hang out and that work is tough, I started to ask myself questions that I couldn't answer:
- Who are my close friends? (besides the closest friend I mentioned above)
- If I stopped messaging people, is there anyone who will message me not for their own good?
- Who can I put as emergency contacts in case something goes wrong?
I get to see some of my friends again as I was water baptised in March. I was happy on the day itself, but then things just went back to normal - no meaningful messages and meetups with people I care about. Even when they messaged me with a purpose and I tried to turn the conversation to a meaningful one, their responses were half-hearted. It made me questioned friendship and meetups even more.
What is the purpose of meeting up then, if they don't even care what's going on in my life?
Meeting up just to have fun?
Nah, then I prefer not to meet. I can have fun by myself. What I wanted was having friends who care for one another, not just come together and do things to destress then go back to their own lives. I felt that my colleagues or random people online were even more caring than them. Worse to know that they are my brothers and sisters in Christ too.
What I said above might sound very selfish. Others have their own lives too - they have their troubles, obstacles and roadblocks they have to overcome. They might not have enough time to meet everyone or they simply didn't think of meeting up with people. They might be struggling in transitioning to a different phase of life as I was. They may have no choice, given the limited time they had, but to meet only a few people who they were closer to and I just didn't happen to be in that circle. Or, they just don't function the way I do.
Logically, I can see a lot of reasons for my friends' behaviors. But that logic doesn't help in dealing with my loneliness and desire to care for other people. Of course I could have asked all of them individually for a meetup, but after a few unsuccessful tries it became incredibly taxing for me to initiate the conversation, especially with the stress from work. My heart just couldn't take the disappointment in failing to arrange meetups any more. I started to isolate myself from people and was thinking that I might be slipping back to a depressive period just like 6 years ago (I don't call it depression since it might not be that bad).
I went back to certain bad habits (which some were sinful) as a way to cope with it.
Luckily, somehow I was able to share this struggle with my LG - it unloaded a lot of burdens. Then I was able to share it with some other friends who gave me a few great inputs. They gave me enough courage to take it to God so that I'm able to deal with it when I'm alone.
So I tried to pray and not let the negative thoughts overcome me when they came. There were late nights, tears and panics at work but they got better and more manageable as I receive peace from God to accept the situation. A peace and assurance that was not completely tranquil and still as I imagined them to be, but enough to give me fuel for another day. A peace and assurance that were akin to daily bread - they didn't make me feel elated or euphoric but enough to make me feel contented. A peace that truly transcends understanding and was present even though my questions were unanswered.
And perhaps it was my first taste of how God designed godly contentment to be. A contentment that didn't taste as good as my idea of contentment, but it didn't rely on how others treat me or my circumstances. A contentment that was consistent and reliable - as I know that God is there for me to go back to and gain this contentment so that I'm ready to go back to face my troubles. Just like the manna God gave Israelites - its taste wasn't mind-blowing or spectacular in any way but it is what the Israelites needed to go through the desert. Besides, God gave it to them not monthly or weekly but daily - which required them to go back to Him daily to collect. I should go back to God daily just like them to collect this contentment too.
Eventually, my circumstances got better. Some people asked me for meetups randomly (both from church and outside), there were people who I reconnected with and there were new people I could talk to. I had better control of myself to not dwell in sinful habits. But now I know that even if it gets worse again, I'm better equipped to deal with it. There will still be anxiety, tears and struggles I guess, but at least there is an anchor I can rely on so that I do not go too far again :)
Thank you Terence and Yeu Ann for the meetups and encouraging me through this period. It's a privilege to see and learn from both of you as you struggled powerfully in different areas - and to know that someone out there who struggled with the same thing as me is such a relief.
Thank you Juen and Asta for looking out for me from time to time even though you're busy. Thanks for assuring and giving meaningful insights to help me look at the situation from the right perspective. It was a joy to have yall in the LG :).
Thank you Daniel and Shi Jun for the random conversations as well - even though I didn't talk to you much about this but you made me feel comfortable enough to share vulnerably when there is a need to.
Thanks Wei Hao for the random meetups and casual chats about work - there are few ppl besides my colleagues that I can share about technical challenges at work these days.
Thanks Cathy for being an awesome friend and keeping the friendship alive even though I couldn't share with you all these things. I just didn't feel comfortable sharing it with you.
To my Vietnamese group of friends, thank you for organizing meetups once in a while and be vulnerable in sharing your struggles even though we aren't very close.
Finally, thank you Macpherson 1 for your care - especially those who just joined the LG in August and didn't know about my struggle. Y'all have been really warm and brought a new atmosphere to our LG!
To a great 2020 ahead with God :)
---
The year started with me going through a few medical examinations for a certain condition - MRI, hearing test, blood test then EMG. It spans across the first half of the year as the waiting time for each test was pretty long. The result was good - the doctor couldn't find anything wrong except that my blood CK level was high.
Yet, I was disappointed with the result. I wanted to know exactly what was wrong and expected the last test (EMG) to show some kinds of abnormalities since I was scheduled for it after the blood test.
The last consultation with the doctor who scheduled me for all these tests didn't help as well; as the doctor was baffled and all she could advice was to drink a lot of water and take the blood test again next year.
I was talking and complaining to a friend about this as well as the cost of those tests when he asked me:
'So do you prefer the test result to show something wrong instead?'
That changed my perspective. I knew, subconsciously, that if one of those tests had given bad results, I would have spent way more than what I did. But I wanted to know what's wrong so badly that I didn't take into account all the possible consequences should something go wrong.
Upon further reflection, it boils down to me wanting to have closure on my condition and know what are the next steps - as it gives me a sense of peace. I prefer to know things in advance - good or bad - so that I'm able to prepare for it mentally.
Makes sense, right? But this gave me more anxiety and worries instead of peace whenever I don't get enough control or information over my own life, which I believe there have been and there will many such occurrences in my life as well as everyone's lives.
It goes back to the point of relying on God - casting my burdens on Jesus and believing that God is sovereign. Only after I stopped insisting on knowing the details did I receive peace and assurance.
But the health scares didn't stop there. I found out that I had alpha thalassemia traits and my varicose veins worsened - which fall into the same category of not being serious but are incurable/hard to treat. There was little I could do to eradicate the problem and the tendency to feel that I was losing control of my life grew stronger in me.
Keeping these conditions in check, on the other hand, was doable. There are simple exercises and habits that I can develop - the only thing is that I have to do it again and again. I have to be disciplined. This is what makes things tough for me as I prefer to dedicate a specific amount of time and effort to deal with a problem and forget about it forever.
However, most problems in life don't fall in this one-off category. The human body requires constant physical and mental exercises to stay fit. Most people work for the majority of their lives to provide for themselves. And as believers, I and other Christians know that we have to go back to God again and again - not only for forgiveness when we sin but also for the daily fuel - the wisdom, strength, peace, and assurance to live another meaningful day.
It just amazes me how God uses these obstacles to build my faith and maturity by pointing out these thought patterns prevent me from growing. The challenges didn't stop there though - work and friendship were tough at the same time.
-------
The latter half of 2018 - which were also my first six months at work - was heavenly. I was given a small project, challenging enough to not make me bored and simple enough to not make me dread it. My team lead was a great guy - amazing technical skills, great character, and good leadership skills. He always sought ways to improve himself, spurred everyone in the team to self-learning and prepared us for greater responsibilities - through occasional personal feedback, knowledge sharing and technical workshops which he organized himself out of his own free time. My HOD was very experienced and patient - learnt quite a bit from him on communications and professionalism, especially when he was soft-spoken like me. Other people whom I worked within that small project were experienced as well. Basically, working was absolutely a breeze.
Then, people left. Many of them. My team lead, my HOD, the team lead and marketing manager I was working with for the first project. Plus one of my teammates, a friend in another department and a tester I worked frequently with - and these are just people I know. Not that there was something wrong with my company; the majority of those I mentioned stayed here for more than 5 years. Those who I managed to ask all mentioned personal reasons too.
I was doing my second project when this happened. I tried to rush the project before my team lead left but couldn’t finish it. Sad to see them leave, but it wouldn’t be a big deal if there are proper replacements in place. The following few months were chaotic as I needed to take on responsibilities that belonged to those who left. Dealing with vendors, liaising with customer support and taking care of settlement disputes alongside with the normal software development.
Was it tough? In hindsight, I would say it wasn't. I didn't have to deal with a lot of people since it was a small project, and in most cases I only had to deal with them on an ad-hoc basis. But I was uncomfortable with it - not because of the people I had to deal with (they had been nicer/more professional than me at times) or the nature of the work itself (I regard them as meaningful).
I was uncomfortable because it was not my job. I didn't think it's my responsibility to do these tasks since there are dedicated persons o do these tasks for other projects. And these tasks delayed the progress of other tasks I had as well - which were supposed to be more important.
Upon reflection, I knew this wasn't the right attitude. My role in the company is to deliver the technical product, and the technical product wouldn't serve its ultimate purpose of serving the clients if other roles/positions are unfulfilled.
Yet I still had this nagging thought that it was unfair. Why didn't other people in the same role take over their ex-colleagues' job? Why didn't other people in the chain do these? Why me?
There wasn't an answer to the fairness I demanded. But ultimately, I realized that this attitude prevented me from loving people, which was God's ultimate command. The only solution was to accept these as my responsibility and consider them to be of similar importance to do my best, which goes back to the point about the spirit of excellence.
Yes, it might set bad precedence as others might give me tasks that aren't within my job scope. But knowing that what I did have real impact did give me more fulfillment at the end of the day, and all these things don't matter much at the end of the day, especially with an eternal perspective in mind.
This experience with a small project really helped me to sustain myself through a much bigger project later on last year. My company had a data center migration that lasted from February to October, and I was the main person in my team who was in charge of it as my teammates were busy with other client-facing projects. There were frequent OT and working on weekends for the later months, a lot of planning, learning, and improvising when things didn't go as planned.
This led to many moments of frustration and wanting to give up as well as feeling lonely when I didn't get the help I badly needed. There were days when I couldn't stop using vulgarities; there were days when I became very unfriendly and others where my brain just switched off for the whole day in response to stress.
Though my responses were bad, at least I was able to see the meaning in what I was doing and could focus on the end goal. I get to face my panic + fears of uncertainties and saw how God delivered me from it; I get to see how God confronted my bitterness and anger when things didn't go my way. At the end of the project, I was fairly compensated with off days + bonus as well. Thank God for helping me to persevere and look at things in the long run :).
--------
Finally, there is friendship. There wasn't a big change in 2019, but I was still carrying the burden of 2018 over. My friendship with the closest friend I had in uni was strained and I knew it wouldn't reach the level it was before since we had to set boundaries. My friendships with the rest of friends in uni started to diminish as well - much fewer meetups and conversations when all of us started working.
All these weren't a very big problem in 2018 as my last uni LG was very caring and transitioning to work wasn't a big problem since it was so comfortable. But when I came to realize that people didn't ask me to hang out and that work is tough, I started to ask myself questions that I couldn't answer:
- Who are my close friends? (besides the closest friend I mentioned above)
- If I stopped messaging people, is there anyone who will message me not for their own good?
- Who can I put as emergency contacts in case something goes wrong?
I get to see some of my friends again as I was water baptised in March. I was happy on the day itself, but then things just went back to normal - no meaningful messages and meetups with people I care about. Even when they messaged me with a purpose and I tried to turn the conversation to a meaningful one, their responses were half-hearted. It made me questioned friendship and meetups even more.
What is the purpose of meeting up then, if they don't even care what's going on in my life?
Meeting up just to have fun?
Nah, then I prefer not to meet. I can have fun by myself. What I wanted was having friends who care for one another, not just come together and do things to destress then go back to their own lives. I felt that my colleagues or random people online were even more caring than them. Worse to know that they are my brothers and sisters in Christ too.
What I said above might sound very selfish. Others have their own lives too - they have their troubles, obstacles and roadblocks they have to overcome. They might not have enough time to meet everyone or they simply didn't think of meeting up with people. They might be struggling in transitioning to a different phase of life as I was. They may have no choice, given the limited time they had, but to meet only a few people who they were closer to and I just didn't happen to be in that circle. Or, they just don't function the way I do.
Logically, I can see a lot of reasons for my friends' behaviors. But that logic doesn't help in dealing with my loneliness and desire to care for other people. Of course I could have asked all of them individually for a meetup, but after a few unsuccessful tries it became incredibly taxing for me to initiate the conversation, especially with the stress from work. My heart just couldn't take the disappointment in failing to arrange meetups any more. I started to isolate myself from people and was thinking that I might be slipping back to a depressive period just like 6 years ago (I don't call it depression since it might not be that bad).
I went back to certain bad habits (which some were sinful) as a way to cope with it.
Luckily, somehow I was able to share this struggle with my LG - it unloaded a lot of burdens. Then I was able to share it with some other friends who gave me a few great inputs. They gave me enough courage to take it to God so that I'm able to deal with it when I'm alone.
So I tried to pray and not let the negative thoughts overcome me when they came. There were late nights, tears and panics at work but they got better and more manageable as I receive peace from God to accept the situation. A peace and assurance that was not completely tranquil and still as I imagined them to be, but enough to give me fuel for another day. A peace and assurance that were akin to daily bread - they didn't make me feel elated or euphoric but enough to make me feel contented. A peace that truly transcends understanding and was present even though my questions were unanswered.
And perhaps it was my first taste of how God designed godly contentment to be. A contentment that didn't taste as good as my idea of contentment, but it didn't rely on how others treat me or my circumstances. A contentment that was consistent and reliable - as I know that God is there for me to go back to and gain this contentment so that I'm ready to go back to face my troubles. Just like the manna God gave Israelites - its taste wasn't mind-blowing or spectacular in any way but it is what the Israelites needed to go through the desert. Besides, God gave it to them not monthly or weekly but daily - which required them to go back to Him daily to collect. I should go back to God daily just like them to collect this contentment too.
Eventually, my circumstances got better. Some people asked me for meetups randomly (both from church and outside), there were people who I reconnected with and there were new people I could talk to. I had better control of myself to not dwell in sinful habits. But now I know that even if it gets worse again, I'm better equipped to deal with it. There will still be anxiety, tears and struggles I guess, but at least there is an anchor I can rely on so that I do not go too far again :)
Thank you Terence and Yeu Ann for the meetups and encouraging me through this period. It's a privilege to see and learn from both of you as you struggled powerfully in different areas - and to know that someone out there who struggled with the same thing as me is such a relief.
Thank you Juen and Asta for looking out for me from time to time even though you're busy. Thanks for assuring and giving meaningful insights to help me look at the situation from the right perspective. It was a joy to have yall in the LG :).
Thank you Daniel and Shi Jun for the random conversations as well - even though I didn't talk to you much about this but you made me feel comfortable enough to share vulnerably when there is a need to.
Thanks Wei Hao for the random meetups and casual chats about work - there are few ppl besides my colleagues that I can share about technical challenges at work these days.
Thanks Cathy for being an awesome friend and keeping the friendship alive even though I couldn't share with you all these things. I just didn't feel comfortable sharing it with you.
To my Vietnamese group of friends, thank you for organizing meetups once in a while and be vulnerable in sharing your struggles even though we aren't very close.
Finally, thank you Macpherson 1 for your care - especially those who just joined the LG in August and didn't know about my struggle. Y'all have been really warm and brought a new atmosphere to our LG!
To a great 2020 ahead with God :)
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